Both Dundee Clubs At Loggerheads About Possible Groundshare…


Dundee FC chief, John Nelms, has admitted he has almost shelved plans for their peh-in-the-sky 50,000 seater stadia due to lack of belief from council chiefs.
“This Sleeping Giant of a club has been snoring constantly for over 100 years. It’s time the council, fans, UEFA, Fifa, SFA, Scottish Parliament and even my wife start to believe we are a massive club well equipped to compete with the likes of Kelty Hearts, Forfar, Falkirk and Alloa’s of this world.”


News that Nelms had asked his neighbours, Dundee United for a loan and the chance ‘to come in wi’ thum’ sparked fury at Tannadice. New United chief Mark Ogren immediately condemned such a move stating that their club fought running battles to make Clepington Park their home – and they have no plans to go anywhere else.


Former Club Captain and living legend Sir Paul Hegarty waded-in with his recollection of the last time Angus Cook had similar plans. ‘Cloud Cookooland’ they called their original plans, complete with monorail and underground plaza.
“It wiz bloody mayhem! Wee Jum told us we weren’t going to Europe on pre-season like he promised, we were going to Butlin’s in Ayr! We normally wouldn’t mind that, but Butlin’s had double-booked Dundee in at the same time as us! Like most folks, they couldn’t understand the concept of Dundee having two football clubs! SO WEE JUM SAID WE’D HUV TAE SHARE OR WE’D BE GOING HOME! That woulda been a better option to be honest!”


Jim McInally who played as a utilty-man laughed, “Billy Dodds was an annoyingly good player for the’Dee but he had the brain of a primary school child or a goat. He kept sneaking into Dave Bowman’s room to use the toilet, but he kept leaving the seat down! Psycho was gonnae kill ‘um! Then, Wee Jum came in and said the food was to be rationed. I was on a strict diet of Wotsits, Mars Bars and Wine Gums. He told me I had to split my rations with Bobby Geddes but I eventually just gave them all away – rather than share anyhing wi’ him.”


Quiet-man, Mo Malpas agreed that sharing with your rivals is never a good thing. “I don’t know how they do it in Milan, but here – if it’s not nailed doon – it’s away. I spent most of that pre-season holding jackets for aw the square-go’s that were happening by the hour.Jim McLean even had to nail Billy McKinlay to the floor of the howff because the diddy’s wanted to steal um! Worst moment was when we got home and Butlin’s phoned Wee Jum to say we had left Allan Preston doon there. We never even noticed he was missing!”

Seemingly, things turned quite sour and nasty when the wife of an un-named Dundee player decided to visit on a day off, and she was never seen for the rest of the holiday after being bed-ridden by most of the players and staff.


One player was heard to say, “Well, we wir telt tae share…”


Paul Sturrock, who remembers the tour quite well, guffawed at the ‘Challenge Match’ which United won 15-0! on the last night.,“They say we had to share everything, but at least we never had to share their bath-water because we never even broke sweat!”


The plans for ‘The Tennents Sixes Arena’, in honour of their greatest ever achievement will be laid to rest along with any hopes of returning back to the Premiership or Hampden Park.


Charlie Adam, who now plays at Dens Park said, “They told me I was joining a big club. It felt like a dream move, big wages and big new stadia – but it feels more like a nightmare. I did get a selfie with the Derry Tesco Trolley though. It’s more famous and more stable on the pitch than some of my so-called team-mates! We should build a statue to honour it…”


John Nelms would only nod his head and agree with Charlie

😂